News updates
12/11/02
Nate Heil Burns Good CD; Friends, Family In Awe
White Bear Lake, MN -- Nate Heil, known around the metro area for his terrible CD song selection, burned a CD with "listenable, decent, music" this past weekend.
The Hill Murray senior, known by most simply as "Heil," showed his new CD to friends last Saturday afternoon. Heil, straying from his usual selection of obscure techno/trance songs, decided to burn a CD with songs that some people might actually listen to.
"I just got sick of people not wanting to ride with me." Heil said when questioned on his new CD burning choices. "People would try to be polite and just kind of say, 'Nah, don't worry about it Heil, I'll ride with someone else. I have to leave early anyway.' But I know they just didn't like my music. Now, hopefully, people will ride in the Spirit with me and we can listen to music we both like."
Heil's new CD has a wide variety of music, sources say. Song such as "Bother," "Poem to Self," "Still Dre," and "From the Chuuch to the Palace," are all included.
"These are songs that people actually listen to," said Terry McKlester, Professor of Modern Music Studies at Michigan State University. "Some songs on the CD are classics, some are new, but the main thing is that it's not techno."
Unfortunately, in an effort to please everyone, Heil included the song "She Fucking Hates Me" by Puddle of Mudd, nearly ruining the entire CD.
"Someone told me they liked that song," Heil said. "But I guess now people are telling me it's really gay song, and no one really likes it anymore. Oh well, one song won't ruin the whole CD."
"That song ruined the whole CD," stated Steve von Fange, referring the the Puddle of Mudd song. "That song really eats cock. I'd almost rather listen to techno."
Nate's parents were also surprised by the turnaround.
"I can't believe this happened!" exclaimed Mrs. Heil, upon hearing about her son's new choice of music. "Now maybe his friends will come over and not ditch him to sleep at other people's houses."
12/09/02
Big Tobacco; General Population Baffled
New York, NY -- After the semi-recent lawsuits filed against the major tobacco industry leaders, "Big Tobacco" has shown confusion and disbelief over the grounds of these claims, as have millions of other United States citizens.
Almost two year ago, former smokers suffering from smoking-related diseases joined together and sued the leading tobacco companies for their medical bills, as well as pain and suffering costs. After much deliberation, a settlement was reached, and the prosecutors collected millions of dollars to be distributed to former smokers suffering from aliments, and millions of dollars that were funneled to state offices to pay for anti-tobacco advertising.
After the dust had settled, Big Tobacco, as well as millions of other Americans, started to ask the question "Why were millions of dollars just paid to former-smokers?" To this day, no solid answer has been discovered.
"It's simply insane," said Brooklyn resident Emily Shanteon. "People that chose to smoke, fully aware of the consequences, become sick and then sue for their medical bills? Big Tobacco had nothing to do with these people's poor choices. They simply sell a product."
Thus far, nearly everyone seems to agree with Shanteon.
"If we sue Big Tobacco when we develop emphysema, then we should sue Ford or Chevy when we suffer injuries in a car crash," noted Phillip Darson, a professor of law at Harvard University. "It's a risk that an individual decides to take, and the company that produces the product can not be held responsible."
Millions of people continue to smoke today, seemingly aware that smoking is still a health risk. In a recent survey given by the Smokers Association of Crookston University (SACU), results were not surprising. In a finalized report released by SACU last week, it stated that "Everytime I went out for a cigarette, I saw a buncha other people smoking too. Probly like 4 or 5 people every time." SACU's conclusion, which has yet to be accepted by the United States Health Bureau for "inaccuracy of testing" reasons, claims that "a lot of people at college smoke!"
Tim Noirjean (spelling pending) had more to say on the subject of college smoking.
"I can smoke if I wanna," he said in a recent interview. "I don't have to go to college to smoke! I can smoke now! Because I can. Fuck you. I'll kick your ass."
When asked if he had any further comments, Noirjean responded: "Nah, I'm kinda tired. Lataz," and proceeded to walk to his bedroom.
According to Vice Admiral Richard H. Carmona, the United States Surgeon General, "Smoking, the last time I checked, is still bad for you. But fortunately, I put my warning on all of them. You have nothing to fear." Although it was later discovered that the Surgeon General's warning has little or nothing to do with the healthiness of cigarettes, his statement that "Smoking... is still bad for you," proves valid.
Although the general population is still baffled by the outcome of the lawsuits, most realize there is nothing they can do about it. Big Tobacco, on the other hand, has staunch plans for retribution. In a recent document obtained from a Big Tobacco insider, it was confirmed that plans for revenge are underway.
"We plan on releasing a product that could, over time, kill an average of 3,000 people a day. We will win in the end."
12/08/02
Local Man Quits Smoking for Health Reasons; Begins Cocaine Addiction
White Bear Lake, MN -- Nathan Heil, a senior at Hill Murray High School in Maplewood, Minnesota, gave up his long time habit of cigarette smoking, opting instead to smoke psychostimulants; more specifically, cocaine.
Nearly three weeks ago, Heil, under constant pressure of family and friends, made the decision to quit cigarette smoking. Successful for nearly a day, he engaged in what he believed was the smoking of marijuana later that evening. To his disbelief, he later discovered that he had smoked a mixture of marijuana and cocaine, commonly known as "chronic."
"I thought it felt weird going down my throat," Heil stated at a press conference earlier this week. "It kind of burned, and a few minutes later, it felt like my feet were bleeding. Shit, I thought my chest was going to explode, too. That was the weirdest feeling of all!"
Heil then proceeded to become sick, throwing up multiple times that evening, utterly ruining plans that he had made earlier that day to see 8 Mile.
"I was pretty out of it for a while," Heil said later, reflecting on the evening. "I don't remember much. I guess I threw up on my friend's car."
In fact, Heil was under the influence of the substance for nearly three days. Reportedly, he experienced erratic driving, constant stomach irritation, and mumbled nonsense almost nonstop. He was heard speaking about "the world's best dj," "going to my LA warehouse," and other undecipherable muttering. Fortunately, the only permanent damage sustained was that concerning his relationships.
Some of Heil's friends were reached later in the week for comment; most responded negatively.
"I can't believe he would do that," said Elise Plante, a long-time friend and classmate of Heil. "He was always a good kid. Well, I mean he smoked and drank a little, but who doesn't? He did quit smoking though! Well, I thought he was starting to walk down the right path, but I guess he proved us wrong."
"Heil smoked crack? He always does gay stuff like that," noted Frank Belsito, a classmate of Heil at Hill Murray. "He'll probably get addicted and start doing worse drugs like heroin or something. Only Nate could be this stupid."
Heil continues to deny allegations that he will become, or already is, addicted.
"No way, I'm never gunna do that shit again. It was a mistake, I don't think I'm ever gunna do it again. Never ever again." Heil rambled. "Nothing is gunna come of it, except that people are gunna think I'm a crack head or something. But addicted? I don't think so. Never."